"Mobilus in Mobile"

    Winter break: its the curtain drawn between the autumn before and the spring preceding. I suppose to many its a time to see family and friends and re-center yourself after a semester of pen marked pages and furrowed brows with a liberal dose of alcoholic intake.  For me its always been a somewhat melancholy reminder of things that once were and things that could never be.
    I see many of my high school friends dead, in prison, completely submerged in the haze of addiction or else stuck on a track to absolutely nowhere at 100 miles per hour.  A few of us have managed to make it out of the town unscathed and every break we return to eat, drink and gloat about how us "chosen few" crawled atop the backs of the dregs of Nowhereville.  We laugh while we joke about how Walker went AWOL and now works at a liquor store. How Brendan led police on a high speed chase through three towns before being caught for stealing a black pickup truck. "Stupid fuck," we say, "He was always the dumbest one of the two twins".  Cue laughter. Applause.  We all make fun of these fallen comrades hoping to somehow reassure ourselves that we'll be okay. But I dunno. Neither do the other guys.
   The isolation that occurs over my winter breaks from the lack of friends left always makes me itchy. Itchy to work. To get moving. To keep moving.  My whole life even, I've always had to keep moving on to the next big adventure or joke or character to play or person to meet.. The Ma (my mom for the uninitiated) always said I wasn't born but "blasted out of a fucking canon". I rushed onto the world and I've been rushing around ever since. My next semester will be filled with playing two characters at once (the psychological implications of that are just now beginning to frighten me) planning for a production of Richard III, auditioning, learning lines, schoolwork and on and on and on.  Story of my life.  My body is constantly pacing and moving while my mind within is grinding its gears in a manic fury. Mobilus in Mobile: movement within a moving thing. I just wish that for once I could sit back and relax and just not move but the fear of following former friends into the abyss is too great. Every joke is just a brief jab at the oncoming depression and failure that looms around the corner.  I know one day I'll be able to settle down and who knows perhaps have a FAMILY?! Hell will freeze over and thaw on that day.  And i'll be laughing except the laughter will be full of joy and contentment rather than fear and worry.

I don't even know if what I just wrote makes sense. Bed time. Nighty night!